Protect Marriage, Protect Children

See more funny videos at Funny or Die

Thanks to Sha for bringing this to my attention first, which allowed me to get credit for a post where my effort was minimal. Click here to sign the petition. Put your signature number in the comments. I'm #6382. The goal is 10,000.

How Dare You Express Yourself!

“Maybe you shouldn’t be so forward with your beliefs,” he stated.

I had just finished telling a story to a friend about how some people didn’t like me simply because I’m an atheist. These people had never had any significant experiences with me. They’d never taken the time to get to know who I was. They merely were aware of my lack of belief in a deity and automatically I was relegated to degenerate status. It’s actually a story I’ve told many a time. Granted, the settings and characters change, but the theme is constant. “Oh, I’m sure he’s a nice boy and all,” they tell themselves and others, “It’s just, it’s probably best not to spend too much time with him,” Honestly, it never really bothered me before. I just felt these people were ignorant (I’m using that literally, not as an insult) and pretty much let it roll off my back.

This was different though. Now, when I was telling the story, I had someone telling me that I was the problem. Not ignorance. Not prejudice. I was the problem because I should’ve shut my damn mouth and catered to their feelings. This frustrated me for many reasons. One is that I don’t feel that atheism is something to be ashamed of. It’s not something that needs to be hidden. Still, his statement implies exactly that. “You know everyone hates your lack of belief, therefore you should expect people to shit on you,” is essentially what he was saying to me.

I suppose there is some truth to that. I do expect people to react negatively. However, I also believe those feelings are wrong. I don’t think that I should have to alter myself to make someone else’s misguided feelings better. If the issue hadn’t been atheism, I wonder if he would’ve laid the blame with the individual. If I was gay, would he tell me not be so flamboyant? If I were black, would he have suggested that perhaps I act less ethnic so as not to offend the status quo? Fuck that. The progressive moral zeitgeist is on my fucking side. Yet, the only reason this climate of change even exists is because other atheists have been willing to come out of the shadows and demand recognition. That’s the reason any cultural movement gains ground. When, people give a collective “Fuck you!” to the traditional system, the system is forced to change. I refuse to hide who I am for the sake of others comfort.

I remember attending a conference given by a lecturing professor that was touring the country. The conference was about Charles Darwin and evolution. At the time, Richard Dawkins had just published his book, The God Delusion. As a result, the lecturer often remarked on Dawkins zealous and passionate attacks on religion. At the end of the lecture there was a Q and A and a young teenager told a story. He talked about how he had recently opened up about his atheism at his high school. Though there was some support, he was also openly mocked and ridiculed. Other people had threatened him with physical violence. The only reason those that attacked this individual felt they could do that is because they are empowered by the apathy of those around them. No one will stick up for this kid; he’s an atheist for Christ’s sake! The sad part is that it’s true. However, I think that by expressing myself now, by refusing to be intimidated, by refusing to hide, maybe someday things will be easier. Maybe it will be okay to have a different belief than the majority. So until that day, I stand with my middle finger high in the air.

At the beginning of this, I said that this guy’s statement frustrated me for many reasons. I suppose that’s an exaggeration. There were really only two. The first I’ve already gone over in depth. The second reason I was so upset was that the guy that said this to me…is an atheist.

It’s Merely My Opinion That You’re Fucking Dumb.

“Opinion” as defined by dictionary.com is

1. a belief or judgment that rests on grounds insufficient to produce complete certainty.

Yet, when people speak on their opinion, and you question them, people act as if you’re attacking them. What people don’t seem to get is that opinions don’t mean shit. When dealing with claims of truth, your opinion is irrelevant. Plus, by its very definition, your opinion is not solidified by complete certainty, so it should be wide open to scrutiny and critical analysis. Now, sometimes opinions are merely questions of preference i.e. “Do you like Coke or Pepsi better?” The opinion on this is simply that, an indication of choice. However, when somebody posits a synthetic proposition such as, “Abstinence-only education is better than academic sex education,” Your opinion doesn’t mean anything. At this point, what one is required to do is establish certain definitions and then cross-examine all arguments. In this example, we would have to determine the definition of the word “better” (effective at lowering teen pregnancy, STD’s, more educational, more fun, better could mean any of these, any combination of these, or anything else for that matter). Once all variable definitions have been agreed upon, one would have to conduct or reference honest empirical studies to determine which method is more conducive to achieving the stated goal as defined by being “better”. Once this is complete, your opinion means squat. Once all applicable data has been amassed and analyzed, it doesn’t matter if you don’t like the conclusion. It doesn’t matter if it still doesn’t feel right. You’re wrong, and you should shut the fuck up. The real reasoning is because once something has been verified; its conclusion is no longer opinion but fact. Therefore, if someone’s initial proposition has indeed been proven true, it is no longer their opinion. Thus, it is illogical to say that you two just have different opinions. No, Person A has knowledge, and Person B has bullshit.

This whole thing is prompted because so often, I’ve been involved, either as participant or witness, to arguments wherein someone’s reasoning devolves to, “Well, that’s just my opinion,” This is deployed as a last ditch effort by someone who has been backed into corner by reasoning and logic. They throw up this pseudo-shield of opinion protection and expect not to be called out on their bullshit. The worst part is, most the time they are safe. For some reason, our societal mores have created a protective aura around “people’s opinions” and most people adhere to it. So, at the end of the argument, the person whom has been blocked by the opinion shield usually concludes with a lame “Well, we’ll have to agree to disagree,” Meanwhile, the person who utilized the “Opinion Defense” makes no progress whatsoever towards any sort of truth. Without anyone with the guts to call them on their bullshit, they continue to feel that their opinion is worthwhile and that honest intellectual integrity and rigorous critical analysis is unnecessary.

In the end though, this only serves to diminish our own potential. People are unable to achieve full self-actualization when burdened with the misinformed idea that their opinion actually means something. In order to achieve any sort of personal progress, we must be willing to recognize that often our feelings are not only often inaccurate; they are sometimes even detrimental to our goals. This, in and of itself is not bad, as these things will inevitably happen. It is the refusal to accept that this will happen, and an unwillingness to amend our ideas and feelings on things that we have been shown wrong that is evil.

Ancient Capitalist Secret, huh?

I’m here to talk to you about a revolutionary new cleaning tool that’s taking the detergent world by storm. First off, unlike other leading brands, our products effectiveness is 100%. However, this product doesn’t remove stains from clothing. It doesn’t remove stains from furniture. It doesn’t cut through grease, nor does it remove calcium buildup. No, this product removes stains from those really difficult to reach places. Specifically your conscience. Just imagine, should you ever find yourself in a situation wherein you’re forced to question the ethical implications of your actions, you’ll know exactly what to do. Simply take two steps.

1) Shrug your shoulders.

2) Make the statement, “It’s just business.”

Now as with all new technologies, there are some precautions you must take. First, you must take care to remember that "It’s just business," is really only effective in the workplace. Come to think of it, that’s its only limitation! In the mood to stab someone in the back? “It’s just business”, washes away the guilt! Feel like snitching on your co-workers will help you get ahead? “It’s just business”, removes all moral ambiguities! Feeling grief over stealing a colleague’s idea and presenting it as your own? “It’s just business”, gently wipes away all remorse!

The best part is, it is guaranteed to work! How can we make such bold claims? Simple, really. When you combine one part apathy, with one part blind adherence to authority, you get one complacent society! And we here at Yuppie Pricks Inc., have used this knowledge to engineer “It’s just business.” Now no longer will you have to stand for people questioning your integrity. With “It’s just business,” patented “Ethics-Shield” technology, all moral arguments are rendered obsolete!

Now I know what you’re thinking. “It’s just business,” sounds great, but I have some people in my social circle who insist on critiquing my behaviors no matter what I do. What can “It’s just business” do about them?

I suppose we have all encountered those pesky individuals who claim to have some sort of “moral compass”. So, Yuppie Pricks Inc. has decided that if you order soon, not only we will send you “It’s just business,” we’ll throw in the “Mocking and derisive laughter/Patriotic Questioner Multi-Tool” at absolutely no extra cost to you! Then, if you ever come up against those Pinko-Commie type scums, simply laugh heartily and remind them that here in America, the bottom line is in fact, the bottom line.

Now, how much would you pay for not just “It’s just business”, but the additional “Laughter/Questioner Multi-Tool”? $50? $100? What if I told you that you didn’t have to spend one single penny!? You’d say I’m crazy right! Well maybe I am crazy, but that doesn’t change the fact that you can have all these amazing products with no monetary cost to yourself. All you have to do is be willing to be a Yuppie Prick Asshole for the rest of your life! That’s right, a life of pseudo-friendships and shallow priorities is just mere fingertips away. Fingertips covered in expensive jewelry, I might add!
So come on now, say it with me!

“It’s just business!”
“It’s Just Business!”
“IT’S JUST BUSINESS!”

“USA!”
“USA!”
“USA!”

Thank you for your time, and God bless America!

I Got Yer Stimulus Package Right Here!

I apologize about the lame joke, but seriously, I couldn’t pass it up. Anyway……

At work, there has been some talk about the money the government will be giving us for the “Economic Stimulus Package”. There are those who think the package will work and those that don’t. It’s those that don’t that I found the most interesting. Their reasoning, oft repeated in the media, is that the plan will do more to stimulate the Chinese economy rather than the American economy. This is because in order to fund the plan, the government (being already in debt), will have to borrow money in order to give it to us. This “borrowing” often comes in the form of selling Treasury Bonds, often to foreign countries. According to the Treasury website, China (as of Dec 2007) was the second highest possessor of those Treasury Securities. Alongside that issue, is the fact that many of the products purchased will be manufactured in China. Ergo, the government will be further indebting us to China, in order for us to buy things from China which will somehow magically help us.

Also, there is the question of whether or not the idea is fundamentally flawed. I can’t put it better than Chris Edwards of the Cato Institute, so I’m just going to quote him, “The first problem with this theory: People aren't that stupid. The idea is that, if Washington gives people money to increase their consumption, it will prompt businesses to expand their production and hire more workers. Thing is, while producers might notice an upward blip in sales after the rebate checks go out, they'll know it's temporary — with sales destined to fall back once the checks are spent. Businesses just don't hire more employees or build new factories in response to temporary blips in demand…Producers wouldn't increase production, so we'd just have more dollars chasing the same amount of goods. That's the recipe for higher inflation."

Now, I’m no economist, so I have no idea if the plan will work or not. Frankly, I’m not too interested in it anyway. What captured my attention was how these people that lamented how buying things was going to ultimately aid China, were the same people that scoffed at my anti-consumerism a year prior. When I talk about sweatshops and making moral decisions about where to spend my money, I’m regarded as a freak. Anybody that would give up the convenience of shopping at Wal-Mart, must be some sort of anti-American nutjob (unless you are rich, at which point you stop buying goods from Wal-Mart and instead buy shares of Wal-Mart). Actually, now I remember, I was told I was in a cult. Yeah, I’m in the cult of Fuck You. Don’t fucking complain about how everyone’s going to buy Chinese made merchandise as you sit there in your Chinese made clothes. Plus, stop using the vague, all-encompassing word “people”. It’s not ‘The stimulus package won’t work because people are going to buy Chinese crap.” What you should be saying is ‘The stimulus package won’t work because I am going to buy Chinese crap.” Take some fucking responsibility for your actions and their consequences, Asshole.

In other news, I’ve found religion finally. This video depicts the Reverend that I follow. Godspeed, Rev. Billy, Godspeed.

Atheist Rising

I've got a couple of posts knocking around in my head right now. However, I'm too lazy to put pen to pad, rather finger to keys, so I'll do the next best thing. Here is a link to a friend's post. As of a year ago this friend was really hesitant to acknowledge that he didn't believe in God. Now he proclaims his lack of belief from the rooftops. And those are southern, Bible-belt rooftops no less. Good on ya, Kev. Keep fighting the good fight against the good word.

Also, what is additionally fascinating is that Kevin posted this on his Myspace, giving his various theistic/atheistic Myspace friends an opportunity to respond. I should also take care to add that despite how this picture of him looks, he isn't gay. Though I did hear that he at one time had multiple pictures of gay love on his Myspace photos page. What was up with that, man?

Welcome to the Internet, Motherfucker

Two girls and one cup. That’s all it takes to determine upon which side you stand in the digital divide. For the past month or so, all I’ve been hearing about is “Two girls, one cup”. For those not in the know, “Two girls, one cup” is a scat video gone viral. I honestly don’t know why. As far as scat videos are concerned, it’s relatively tame. Still, everyone and their grandma seems to be fixated with this video. In the last month, I have been accosted every week by random co-workers (seriously, I can name 7 off the top of my head) who are really enthusiastic about getting me to watch this video. The first time I heard about the video, I did a quick Google search and couldn’t find it, just a bunch of fake sites. I gave up after ten seconds, because frankly, I couldn’t be bothered with more than that. I went back to work and when asked about my previous day’s search I responded by with, “I couldn’t find it, but let me guess...(sigh) is it a poop video?” “YES!” screamed my over-enthusiastic poo purveyor. “Oh man,” he continued, “it is the sickest thing you have ever seen! I cannot frigging believe it’s on the INTERNET!!!!OMG,OMG,OMG,OMG!!!” He then collapsed of a heart attack from the sheer unbeliveability of a poop video on the internet.

So, I was mildly intrigued. Not enough to do anything about it, but enough to remember that I had at least had this conversation. A week goes by, and a different co-worker from a different department, begins to question me about having ever watched the video. I explain that I didn’t find it the first time I looked, and I can’t be bothered to search again. He goes on to tell me that happened to him, and the first videos he found were people’s reaction to the video. He continues to tell me that he eventually found the video, “life-altering,” he adds, but that people’s reactions videos are absolutely hysterical. Now, this I find very interesting. People are actually watching videos of other people watching videos. I immediately feel as if I’ve stepped into the worst MC Escher painting ever. It was strange though, were people actually filming themselves for the first time watching the video? I mean, they must’ve watched it on their own first, and then filmed themselves watching it again, right? So, what I am then watching, is their staged reaction and/or recreation of their initial reaction. Now this to me seems more bizarre than anything. From a sociological stand point, I decided to watch some “reaction” videos on Youtube.

Fucking lame. Here is every reaction video ever created for this stupid thing.

Scene: Random dorm room, at least three posters on wall (sports star, alcohol ad preferably with hot girl, Bob Marley poster), computer on computer desk

Reaction person: “Uh, hi, yeah...okay, my name’s Derek, and I’m....hehheheh...going to watch the 2 girls one cup video for the first time. (Pause) What?!?! Oh, no way!!! Oh man, oh man. OH MY GOD!!!! [look to either left or right in apparent inability to control your head] (pause) [resume viewing], Nononononononononononononono. Ohhhhhhhhhhhh mannnnnn!! [collapse with laughter or run to the bathroom in disgust].

I still don’t try to search for the video again. I go back to work only to once again be brought into a conversation about the damn video. This time, it’s four people all expressing their shock that such a thing could occur let alone be on the internet. This is what really gets me. I finally go back home, find the video and watch it.

Yawn.

I go back to work and confess that I’ve finally watched the video. It’s a strange scene, I’m treated as if I’m a conquering hero. Pats on the back, congratulations, they do everything but carry me on their shoulders. I question all of them on whether this is the first time they’ve ever seen something like this. All answer affirmatively. I’m confused. “How long have you been online?” I question. Everyone confirms they have been online for years. Bear in mind these people are all either twenty-somethings or in their early thirties. Now, if you fall into this age category and you have never seen scat porn online until 2007, you have not been using the internet correctly and should be banned from any further use.

I learned what the internet was for the very first time I used it. This was back in 1993 when my other classmates were chatting on this mysterious thing called “the internet”. My dad at first was hesitant to hook up the home computer lest I be corrupted. “Don’t worry,” I assured him, “I’m just going to use it to chat with friends, and do research for homework!” So he eventually caves, and hooks up the home computer. He assists me in logging on and shows me how to find everyone that was currently on the local network. I immediately request a chat upon finding one of my friends. My father stands behind me in case I have any questions. In the following transcript, you should be able to distinguish who I am by totally awesome handle.

Zero_Cool_671: Hey, what’s going on man?

Mind_Phreex1981: Alright! Your parents got you the internet?

Zero_Cool_671: Yeah, I guess.

Mind_Phreex1981: Awesome! So, do you know how to download porn?

Zero_Cool_671: I gotta go.

I then logged off and told my dad that I never liked that kid anyway.

The bottom line is we all know what’s on the internet and what it’s there for. Thus, if you are shocked and amazed by poop porn, you are also naive and lame. Seriously, the 2girls1cup video is lame, talking about it at work is lame, watching reaction videos is even more lame. In fact, the only thing possible that is lamer than all of those is reading some douchebag’s reactions to other people’s reactions. Suckers!

The Internet is for Porn